A very rare, very long, glimpse of me.

My brother just finished giving me grief over my odd reactions towards my passions…in this case, it was my passion for what I was researching. (Animals, particularly the Artiodactyla family, if anyone was wondering.) I usually don’t research anything for any particular reason…I just find as much information as possible on whatever happens to be interesting me.

Anyway, I’d been poring over one of my animal encyclopedia’s, when my brother walked into my room. He took a few glances at the books and notes scattered around, and naturally asked me what I was doing. I told him I was researching animals, and proceeded to list off most of the facts I’d taken mental note of. I have to admit, I got pretty excited towards the end, as I always do when I’m talking about something that interests me, and when I have the rare thoughts that I’m able to communicate clearly. (Usually I have this mass of information, thoughts, or random statements sort of whirling around that is REALLY hard to translate into conversation.) I assumed he was interested, since he had asked me what I was doing. Instead, he gave me a weird look and told me that I needed to get a hobby… Basically, that I needed to be more normal. He’ll regret this later when he comes to me for information about one of the subjects that I’m so “stupidly” ultra-aware of. He thinks I should do something better with my time. Of course, this is coming from my insanely lazy brother who, though very clever, doesn’t use his time wisely. He’s very passionate about technology and government, though he refuses to pursue either interest. He’d be successful if he actually pursued what he was good at. He just doesn’t know. He’s so simple.

This has been going on for awhile now. There have been a few instances in school during the few classes where I actually speak up and show emotion. Usually I’m either really blunt with what I want to contribute or I go into lots of detail. Regardless, I always get judging looks. I don’t particularly care what the other dimwitted people around me think, but it gets tiring. My parents often tell me to “chill out” or they laugh at my obsessions. Heh, at least they don’t think I’m odd, they just don’t take me seriously.

I’m so…so tired of this. Why even show emotion or passion when no one cares? When the only reaction I receive is judgement or mocking? I’ve grown significantly in the past year. I’ve become much more mature, my interests have become much more serious/studious, and I’ve learned to delve entirely into these subjects. Yet I’m growing more and more inward. I won’t show this passion to others, unless its with a group or with someone who actually needs the information. And when I talk in these situations, its usually blunt, unemotional, or even biting…I need to act this way. I need to do this so that I won’t be hurt by the way others judge me. Because no matter how I won’t let others opinions affect me…it can still chip away at my resolve.

I love who I’m becoming. But no one will ever know.

((Besides my two friends, who will always listen. Specifically one friend who, no matter how I hide myself, seems to always know how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. She really knows my habits and my quirks…whether I want her to or not. I really do appreciate that.))